Welcome to Let’s Make A Deal: Covid Relief Edition!
Today’s contestants, the American government, will get to choose their political fate by picking one of three doors. Behind each one will be a different plan for providing Covid relief for the American population.
A lot at stake here; pick the wrong choice and you destroy any chance at successfully pulling the country through the pandemic and effectively kill more Americans in the process.
Exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen!
Looks like the Biden administration has decided to take the reins here and chosen door number one. Let’s see what they’ve won!
It’s a $1.9 trillion Covid relief package with overwhelming public support! Included in the package are $1400 stimulus checks for eligible recipients, an increase and extension in unemployment benefits until December 2021, and an additional $25 billion in rent assistance and an eviction moratorium to make sure people aren’t left homeless in the streets.
Also included is $350 billion for state and local governments frontline workers salaries, distribution of the vaccine, increased testing, and the reopening of schools. A temporary increase in child tax credits, renewal of emergency paid leave that expired in December, subsidies for health insurance premiums, and a $15 minimum wage seem to be in there as well.
Looks like a bonus $50 billion in small business assistance, $4 billion for mental health services, and an extension of food stamp benefits until September with an additional $4 billion for nutrition assistance is also being added to the package, just for good measure.
Quite an impressive prize indeed, but will the government be happy to keep this package or will they choose to press their luck and pick what’s behind one of the other two doors?
Oh, looks like we have a disagreement going on. The Republicans have begun to throw a tantrum and it looks like they want to pick door number two. They seem to be wiping away their tears with $100 dollar bills, but it’s hard to see as their corporate handlers have come to console them with more wads of cash.
Apparently, the ruckus began when Senator Bernie Sanders told them to, quote, be quiet and let the adults in the room make the real decisions. He seems to have flipped them the bird as he laughed at them, but it’s hard to see with his mittens on.
Senator Sanders has now kicked in door number three! He appears to be shouting something about taxing the wealthy and corporate welfare, but he’s getting drowned out by the sounds of the conservative media collectively clutching their pearls.
Well, since door number three seems to be the choice, let’s see what they missed out on behind door number two.
It’s the $618 billion Republican relief package, the Jackass Prize of the day. We’d like to thank today’s prize sponsor, Fauxlex. Do you want a nonfunctioning watch full of random gears and springs that complains about Democrat spending as it drains your bank account? Then choose Fauxlex, a GOP company.
The Republican relief package includes $1000 checks for anyone making less than $40,000 and a complete phaseout for anyone making more than $50,000. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average salary in the US is just shy of $50,000, so if you have a decent job that you haven’t been able to actually do because of the pandemic, good luck I guess.
Republicans have thrown in an extension in unemployment benefits with no increase until only June, $20 billion to reopen schools instead of the $170 billion in the Biden plan, and $20 billion for child care services compared to $40 billion from Biden. Amounts for small business assistance and mental health services appear the same, with the extension of food stamp benefits and $3 billion for WIC thrown in.
Good reason for economists across the spectrum to say this relief package would only push the American economy further into depression and effectively destroy any chance of bouncing back in the next decade from the egregious handling of the pandemic by the previous administration.
So, let’s see what’s behind door number three.
It’s budget reconciliation! Or as we like to call it here at Let’s Make A Deal, the “Do Whatever The Hell We Want” Prize. Today’s grand prize is brought to you by Liberal Back Braces. Suddenly find a spine and need help standing tall for a change? Choose Liberal Back Braces, helping America since January 5th.
What is budget reconciliation, you ask?
In the simplest terms possible, the House and Senate both pass bills with the same language by a simple majority. Democrats hold both Congressional chambers so that won’t be an issue.
Debate on reconciliation in the House is generally limited with few amendments allowed. The Senate operates a bit differently, allowing more debate. Still limited to 20 hours, amendments can be offered up endlessly and in the past has dragged out the process, as Senators must vote on each one.
Once the Senators have exhausted themselves and just want to die, they vote on the resolution, needing only a simple majority instead of the usual 60. With Vice President Kamala Harris as their 51st vote, Democrats will be able to get it done.
There are some limits, of course. Legislation has to be about government spending and can be challenged under a variety of rules, but a Senate parliamentarian settles disputes and the language of the legislation can be changed to fit the rules better.
Maybe we should call it the “Do Almost Whatever The Hell We Want” Prize instead.
I believe I hear Senator Sanders saying he’s going to add the Republican bill on top of the Biden bill out of pure spite. Hard to make it out exactly; he’s doubled over in laughter.
One again, congratulations to our big winners today, the American public! Looks like the government will be getting dragged into helping the people out, even if they didn’t want it.
Stay tuned for a new episode of Who Wants To Be Impeached starring Donald Trump, right after these messages from our sponsors!
