The anxiety of going home for an expat
For the first time in two years, I’ll be going home to the United States. I won’t be sticking around for long, though, as I’ll be heading to a new country once again. After a year in Cambodia and one in Hungary, the next stop in my adventure is Morocco. Such is the life of an expat teacher’s husband.
While I’m looking forward to seeing family and friends, I’m also anxious. I’m used to a way of life that is significantly different than one in the U.S. Suburban life of green yards and strip malls gave way to cracked streets crowded with tuk tuks and wandering expats in Southeast Asia. And that changed in time to the busy tram lines and bleak winters of Eastern Europe.
The U.S. went through a lot over the past two years while I’ve been gone. The outbreak and response to Covid-19 has been erratic. There was a presidential election that did not end in a peaceful transfer of power. There have been riots and convictions in cases dealing with police brutality. To say that America seems schizophrenic is being polite, at best.
I’m not really sure what to expect when I go back home. So many of the things that I see on social media and news sites that are going on in America may as well be happening on another planet. Take for example, anti-maskers. In Hungary, just about everybody wears a mask and anyone who doesn’t is basically ignored by everyone except the police. There is no great societal upheaval over the issue. Everyone just goes along with their life.
I haven’t dealt with police in Cambodia and only in passing in Hungary so far, but there is a big difference in how I perceived them from cops in America. There hasn’t been that sudden feeling of dread when I see the police passing me on the street or in my rearview mirror. I always felt on edge anytime I saw officers in America, and I’m not looking forward to experiencing the same feeling again.
Don’t get me wrong. I am very excited to be going home to visit. There are so many different people and things that I miss that I can only get in the U.S. Although much my life is defined by my time outside of America, it’s still where I grew up and what I know best. The knowledge of the things I hated about the U.S. comes along with it, though.
Maybe I’m just letting my anxiety get the best of me. Too much social media and news stories have skewed my expectations of what awaits me, perhaps. My imagination has run away from me and I’m only thinking about worst-case scenarios. I’m sure all this is true to a certain extent. Overthinking is my specialty and I’ve had plenty of time to do so thanks to months of lockdowns.
There might be something else at play here, though.
While my first stint abroad was to the Middle East, it was still very Westernized and everyone spoke English. This time around has been significantly different. While a large majority of people in Phnom Penh speak English, the culture and everyday life is far different from America. And while Debrecen is much more Western, hardly anyone is fluent in English. I guess my biggest fear is that I have forgotten what it’s like to be completely an American.
I keep thinking about the saying, “You can never go home again.” Am I really going home this summer? My family is still there and it’s where I grew up. By all accounts, that’s home. It also changed a lot since I’ve been gone, much like I have. Will we recognize one another?
Whatever the answer may be, I’ll be touching down in America in a month’s time. The time for thinking and wondering will be over. I’ll have to wait until then to see if the same can be said of my anxieties.
Originally published at https://tooforeignforhome.com on May 10, 2021.
