Florida Man Upset Adults In The Room Might Keep Latest Victims Away
Travel Advisory for the State of Florida
Level 3: Reconsider all unnecessary travel to Florida due to numerous dangers plaguing the area.
One of the states hit hardest by the Covid-19 pandemic, reports of new infections of the U.K. strain of the virus are higher than any other state. Complete lack of leadership and any semblance of health measures is indicated as the primary cause.
The local warlord known simply as DeathSantis has pledged to eradicate the virus by any means necessary, including ignoring the problem and punishing those who point out the spread of the virus. Data analyst and DeathSantis rival, Rebekah Jones, had her home raided for disseminating information about Covid spread in the state.
Recent news of possible travel restrictions by the federal government to the region have enraged DeathSantis, citing the need for fresh long pork imports for the state’s alligator population. Senior populations have been lured near large bodies of water containing the amphibious reptiles with cheap rounds of golf and early bird specials to help supplement the alligator’s dietary intakes.
DeathSantis has grown especially erratic as the local autonomous region of Disney has demanded the flow of tourists continue in order to keep their Chinese-made souvenir export industry alive. The head of the Disney region, Chairman Mickey Mouse, is infamous for his brutal methods of maintaining order and continuous attempts at gaining power outside the area through propaganda films.
In an attempt to appease the local gods known as Publix and Mosaic to stop the spread of the virus, the sporting authority hosted a contest where a band of pirates pummeled a group of indigenous peoples from the Missouri territory. Unfortunately, the resulting celebration soon devolved into the drunken mating ritual of fighting over strands of plastic beads and complaining about tourists, raising fears of a continued spread of the virus.
All travelers should be accompanied by local guides who are versed in the wide variety of languages in the state including, but not limited to: Gibtown Carnie, Meth Mouth, Cocaine Chatter, Panhandle Parley, Gainesville Grumble, and several dialects of Service Industry Low English.
Recommended vaccinations include Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, Typhoid, Malaria, Zika, Yellow Fever, Rabies, West Nile, Dengue, Hobo Bites, Mega Diabetes, Alligator Herpes, Florida Man Mange, and Influenza.
For more information, please visit www.floridaisamadmaxwasteland.com.
If you decide to travel to Florida, the following actions are recommended:
- Review will and beneficiaries
- Review life insurance policy
- Purchase firearms with appropriate ammunition
- Purchase alligator and python mace
- Check in with local authorities (Grady Judd) on arrival
- Bring any food you would like to eat besides Hooters
Any and all disappearances are assumptions of risk on your part and will not be the responsibility of federal authorities.
